I am home and I don't feel relieved. I'm exhausted and sad. I thought I would look forward to sleeping in my own bed and driving my own car but it is not what I am thinking about as I drag my bags through the airport. I am thinking about all the sacrifices I would make to be holding the hand of the little kid I traveled across the world to see. How thrilled I would be to show him my world, and how absolutely happy I would be to take care of him every day.
Like him, I am very stubborn. It is a quality that, in fact, did pay off later in life - as I tell the Ghanaians it will. I go after what I want wholeheartedly. I know this is meant to be my next adventure. There will be a way and I will find it, because sometimes the things that are set to happen still require a lot of effort and hard work - something I have never been afraid of.
Sometimes my dreams torture me. Last night was one of those times. My subconscious scares me because it is so in tune with everything in my real life; how I feel and what has happened to me.
Last night I had a dream about Bishop, or the lack thereof. I was in the United States, but I’m not sure where. I was trying to find him, and I couldn’t. I went everywhere from the woods, to some creepy basement, but he was not anywhere. I was telling people about him, but they didn’t care and wouldn’t help. I could see his face, and I knew he was here, I just couldn’t get to him, but I still kept searching. I don’t know how the dream ended up, it just ended, because the end is not decided yet. This is also telling because sometimes you have to make the decision.
I woke up three different times during the night, not knowing where I was. It was the strangest feeling, because my surroundings should have been familiar, but I remember looking out the window the first time, and could not figure out my placing. I could not recognize where I was, and I think it is because part of my life is somewhere else. I don’t know where to put myself, and that is clear to my subliminal thoughts.
I reminded myself that I love a challenge, and I will move forward, because staying in the same place - whether it is sad or happy - is not what living is about.